(TRIGGER WARNING!!! This isn’t part of the series I am doing. This post is TRIGGERING so please be warned and don’t read if that will affect you in any way.)
I have days where I totally love myself and I’m so thankful for my existence.
Then I have days where I absolute loathe myself, my existence, and just everything.
Tonight is one of those nights.
I’m so mad about everything my body cannot do. I feel like I am failing at every goal I have set for myself. I have so many friends graduating, announcing pregnancies and births, starting careers. Then, here’s me. Barely making it. Taking it day by day. I just dropped out of my third university because…I don’t know why.
And then I am ultimately mad at God. I don’t want to pray. I don’t want to think about him. I’m so mad that he gave me this disability. And I’m so frustrated with people telling me to just read my scriptures because it brought them closer to them through their trials. I don’t like the advice.
I’m also mad that I can’t seem to find any good out of my trials. There are people with all sorts of disabilities with a smile on their face. I have a dark cloud following me most days and today my cloud is raining and crashing thunder all around me. I feel like I’m drowning.
I’m so tired of feeling useless and without hope. I hate this place.
My emotions were triggered by seeing another pregnancy post on my social media timeline tonight. I’m so mad because I just want to be happy for those people but the big monster of jealousy and hurt shows it’s ugly head instead. And I’m so ASHAMED of myself. I know better. Not only am I autistic but I also struggle with PCOS and infertility. I go to a church that is family-focused. Every week I get to endure the talks and lessons on parenthood and the importance of celestial families. The constant lectures on not waiting to start a family, God will provide, so hurry up and spit them out. It is the most overwhelming environment of my entire life. I’ve been trying every method of parenthood and I feel like God is excluding me from the very thing I want most, that is preached at me every week.
The biggest feeling I struggle with is embarrassment. I am absolutely humiliated over all of my struggles. I’m upset with myself for not finding the good. I’m mad I am constantly overwhelmed by the worst, biggest, and hardest emotions.
I just tell myself to breathe.
And I do.
Deep breaths will get me through.